Just Be Yourself

Is horrible dating advice

let us know how that works out for you

The overwhelming majority of dating advice for men is terrible, and at the forefront is the adage, “Just be yourself.”

Upon first glance, this appears to be sound advice – why would a man want to be with a woman who doesn’t like him for who he actually is?

Why would a man want to be in a relationship with a woman who doesn’t accept him for his quirks, idiosyncrasies, and aberrant behaviors that potentially lower her social status amongst her peers and the general public? After all, none of these things should matter because he’s supposed to “just be himself,” right?

And while I absolutely understand the sentiment – men want to be desired for who they are and not have to “wear a mask” that will eventually fall off – it’s ultimately a stupid, idealistic, and romanticized notion that’s not reflective of how men or women pursue each other.

Men’s Value Comes From Producing

Men have been required to produce in order to gain their value and be desired by women since the beginning of time. Whether it was hunting wild beasts in the wilderness, harnessing fire, building shelter, being the sole breadwinner of their family, or simply being sexually arousing, women have been with men because of what they are – and not who they are.

Like most former studs who became complacent in relationships can attest to, a woman’s desire deteriorates if you stop behaving in ways that caused her to be attracted to you in the first place.

Not only that, but does anyone really think that a man should just be himself if who he is isn’t worth liking?

If a guy’s an anti-social, socially awkward, poorly groomed, fat slob who dresses like a fourth grader, does anyone in their right mind actually think he should ‘just be himself’ if he wants to attract women?

He should keep being himself, right?

Admittedly, that example is extreme, so let’s evaluate the average to slightly above average guy.

He’s educated, has a stable and well-paying career, in okay physical shape, and doesn’t dress like he’s completely blind. On paper, he should surely be a catch to women, right?

Not necessarily.

If this same guy behaves in ways that women are hardwired to abhor –being too needy, too available, showing too much interest, wanting to spend too much time with the girl, revealing his life story on the first date, etc. – should he continue to just be himself?

Absolutely not.

“Just be yourself” isn’t good dating advice when what you’re doing isn’t providing you with your desired outcome.

If Who You Are Sucks, Change

It was only a matter of time

The biggest gripe men have with my claim is that they believe the woman they’re with won’t like them for who they actually are once “the mask” inevitably falls off.

And while this concern has merit, it’s incredibly easy to refute.

Obviously, pretending to be someone you’re not is never a good idea, as your true self will seep out over time due to slight incongruences in behavior being displayed every time you hang out with a woman.

But that’s not what I’m not suggesting – I’m not advocating for men to wear a mask and mimic behaviors that women find attractive.

I’m suggesting that men determine which behavior(s) of theirs are unattractive, do the opposite of those, and internalize the new way of conducting themselves.

For instance, I used to talk about myself a lot when I spoke to others, and that annoyed most people because it seemed like I only cared about myself. Once I realized this, I stopped talking about myself so much and became a substantially better listener. Since doing this, my personal, professional, and dating life has vastly improved.

This doesn’t make me a fraud, and it doesn’t mean that I’m not being myself. I identified an aspect of myself that was unflattering and improved it to improve my life. It would have been incredibly selfish and delusional of me to want people to like me for who I am when I behaved like a narcissist.

Just be yourself should be tweaked to, Just be the best version of yourself. This will better help clueless guys understand that they must take accountability, accept that certain aspects of themselves are unflattering and make them unpleasant to be around, and start working to improve their dating and personal lives.

Alternatively, you can never realize your full potential, settle for a woman you don’t actually want, and wonder why no one likes you despite following commonly regurgitated advice.

BONUS TEXT

This text was initially intended for the original essay, but I couldn’t incorporate it in a way that made sense.

In this section, I will evaluate the categories of people who advise men to just be themselves with women, and I will explain why their advice should never be taken seriously.

There are four camps of people who tell men that just being themselves is the solution to all of their dating woes: all women, men who are naturally successful with women, “White Knights,” and the average guy who doesn’t know any better.

No, they do not….

Women tell men to just be themselves as a means of filtering out those who are sexually successful with women from those who are not.

In our ancestors’ evolutionary past, a woman’s greatest fear was being impregnated by a man who was not as valuable as he portrayed himself to be. Some men would “Ejaculate and evacuate” (Have sex with the women and never return), forcing the woman to protect and provide for the child herself. This usually hindered the progress and development of the tribe, and often caused them to be ostracized from the group.

Fast forward 200,000 years to the 21st century, where women are more than capable of protecting and providing for children on their own, they have evolved to instinctively be terrified of sleeping with a man who is not as valuable as he portrays himself to be.

So, women would never actually tell men what to do to turn them on because they don’t want them to mimic what they say in order to sleep with them. This phenomenon is why women hate the idea of game or pickup artistry so much – they want guys who are naturally good with women, not someone who has to learn, because someone who has to learn isn’t naturally sexually successful.

Next up are the “white knights.” They have no idea how to attract women, so they align themselves and their beliefs with whatever the majority of women say with the intent of being liked more.

What they fail to realize is that a) Women won’t like them more for having shared interests and beliefs, and b) Women are subconsciously repelled by liberal and feminized men because they don’t behave like men.

White knights gonna white knight

Now onto the average guy. He just regurgitates what he’s heard his peers, family, and social media say his entire life. He’s had sex and been in relationships with a handful of women, so there’s no need to fix what’s not broken.

Just your average guy

Now, the most sincere of them all: The socially and sexually dominant guy who’s been successful with women his entire life.

These guys instruct men to just be themselves because that’s all they’ve done their entire lives and have had profound success. However, guys like this fail to realize (or simply aren't aware) that they are inherently cool guys that women want to be with. These men were typically raised by a traditionally masculine father who exuded more alpha characteristics, developed superior social skills in their adolescence, learned how to interact with women at a young age, etc.

Socially dominant ballers

I’ve observed that these men abhor guys who learn techniques or game to attract women, because these methods effectively tell men how to mimic and internalize behaviors they naturally exude. In essence, learning how to become good with women means that they aren’t behaving like themselves, and that’s all the socially and sexually dominant guy has done his entire life.