The Epitome of Annoying

A Substack user commits a social faux pas.

A few weeks ago I published a Substack note in which I disclosed that, “I lost my mojo,” and a user responded in the most annoying way possible.

happens to the best of us. when (not if) it does, don’t force it. just ride the wave & lean into it. soon enough, you’ll bounce back. give yourself permission to be human. it’ll allow you to care less what others think & become your own mental point of origin.

One of the most annoying and socially inept things people do after listening to someone express discontent is give unsolicited advice, primarily for two reasons. First, the person providing advice that no one asked for assumes an elevated position. Even if a) you know how to solve your problem, and b) the insight shared was something you already knew, the person who thinks they’re helping clearly doesn’t realize that and will expect deference from you in future interactions, even though you’re likely equals.

And while all groups are hierarchical, most people who spend time together are of equal social status – otherwise, they wouldn’t: There's a reason professional athletes hang out with other professional athletes, and actors date other actors. Nothing is more annoying than someone who is clearly your equal, or even worse, someone who is demonstrably inferior in every regard, assuming an authoritative position.

Second, the person complaining about their problem has spent considerably more time thinking about it than you – after all, they’re the ones who have to deal with it. There’s likely no advice you could offer someone that they haven’t considered themselves; the user who replied to my note is familiar with my essays, so he presumably knows that I’m more than competent enough to know how to go about reacquiring my mojo.

When people complain to friends about something, they usually just want them to listen so they can get whatever is bothering them off their chest and feel better. I assure you that any half-competent adult is more than capable of solving their own problems. Unless a person explicitly asks you for advice, never offer it. Doing so will just annoy the person and make them less likely to ever want to speak with you again.

If you believe you have something particularly insightful to offer – and you don’t think they have considered it – directly ask them if they would like to hear advice that may be beneficial. Just keep in mind that the person complaining is not only aware of most solutions available to them, but is privy to things that you aren’t.

For instance, consider the following conversation I had with an older, wiser friend who’s torn between living in a city he hates, and being apart from his children.

Jacked Guy: Again, I’m not giving you advice, but from what I gathered from speaking with my mom, dad, and aunt, they really didn’t care about me being gone nearly as much as I thought. Not saying this is the case, but I don’t think your kids upstate would care about y’all being 12 hours away nearly as much as you think (not advice).

Friend: My kids did. My daughter started crying when we told her we were coming back and my son told my daughter it was one of the best days of his life when we told him.

Jacked Guy: Oh lol. Jeez. This is why I don’t give advice.

Friend: Just different perspectives, you experienced it as the kid moving away, not the parent moving away. I just think it's different when your the kid compared to the parent. Kind of the man women perspective, we as parents experienced our kids moving away differently then they did moving and vise versa when we were the ones to move away it was completely different experiences as parents and kids for whatever reason. If that makes sense.

See? It was completely naïve of me to assume that the insight I gained from a somewhat similar experience would be of any benefit to him when the dynamic is effectively flipped on its head. I NEVER – not even once – considered his children’s or grandchildren’s feelings. I NEVER once considered that his son would’ve cried tears of joy after hearing that he and his wife were returning home.

If you want to avoid irritating someone so badly that they contemplate avoiding any social interaction with you again, just be a shoulder to lean on when they’re complaining. That’s all most people really want, anyway.

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